When I thought about re-starting a blog, I thought about the blog I had in medical school. It documented and chronicled the fear, anxiety, and feelings of being overwhelmed that myself and my peers were going through. But it all culminated in one day: Match Day 2016. The day that decided our futures — everything from what speciality we were going to pursue every day for the rest of our lives to where we would live. My relationship at the time was even hanging on what that meant. And it all culminated at 4:30am on February 8, 2016. With one email. That decided the rest of my life.

Spoiler alert: I got Emergency Medicine. And I moved to Michigan/Ohio.

Now, as a second year, I have settled into my position as a resident. I walk into the hospital with a smile on my face (most days at least) and a feeling of belonging. But there was still something missing. And that’s where this blog comes in – how to fill that creative space, how to process such a demanding time in my life, and how to coincide the need for social justice that has spurred me since I was in fifth grade.

Spoiler Alert: I got Emergency Medicine. And then….Michigan. What now?

So I thought I would post my blog about that first day when I found out where I was going to go. That first day when I realized I was actually going to be Dr. N. That first day that I started to think that about becoming that #torpedointoledo.

“For the last half of third year and for all of fourth year so far, I have focused on today. I have spent many nights, awake in my bed, tossing and turning, obsessing over getting an email at 4am stating if I can actually become an emergency medicine physician. I have cried over this day. I have worked my ass off working towards this day. I have put my all into making sure this day isn’t the absolute worst day of my life.

And now it’s here.

I thought I would be fine. Just a little anxious, like I always am, but able to function. I thought that after I got the email that I would be more excited (hopefully) than anything and ready to celebrate for the rest of the day. I thought it would be a happy day.

But then the day happened. And I knew my life would be forever different. I just wasn’t expecting how.

But let’s go back to how that day started: I fell asleep the night before, with the help of some sleep-inducing fun for the Superbowl, around 11pm. I had originally decided that I was going to tough it out and not sleep until I got that email, anytime between 4am-9am. But that fantastical idea, along with my roommates, mother, and a friend who was there for moral support, slowly faded into real dreams. And around 2am, I awoke with a start.

“Did I rank the right places?” “What if they don’t really like me?” “Do I really want to be an emergency medicine physician?”

All of a sudden, every single fear I have ever had during medical school came rushing back! Thankfully, my mother was sleeping next to me and was easily awoken by my rushed, panicked breathing. And for the next two hours, my mom tried to usher me back to sleep, hoping that I would relax. Sadly, for both of us, my breathing might have calmed, but my mind did not. I laid in my mother’s lap, while she stroked my hair, listening to Michael Scott orchestrate another “Conference Room Meeting” on “The Office” and trying to focus on his shenanigans. I hoped that Michael’s hilarious, delusional interactions with his co-workers would be comforting enough (since I can watch “The Office” all day every day) to distract me. However, even Michael couldn’t help me that morning. It seriously might have been the longest two hours of my life.

Around 4am, my heart skipped a beat and I sat up quickly. It was like my semi-unconscious body could tell time! I knew that the emails could have been sent out as early as 4am, but knowing my luck — and how tired I was–I knew the email would come later. But that didn’t stop me from opening my computer and my email. So while my mom laid next to me and my friend snored quietly at the foot of my bed, I logged into my email….and nothing. So I refreshed. Again, nothing. So I tried to focus my attention back on Michael, Dwight, Jim, and Pam. And I succeeded, for a whole two minutes and then hit refresh again. My entire being was focused on this little routine: hit refresh, register that there was no email yet, and then try to focus on “The Office”. Wash, rinse, repeat. Only it was refresh, nothing, “The Office.” For 45 whole minutes I repeated this routine (if I ever did this to my hair, it might be more than just a frizzy curly mess but that’s a whole different story). And suddenly: it was there! I hadn’t even opened the email before the shriek came out of my mouth. My mother and friend suddenly woke up and looked at me expectantly. My fingers were frozen, unable to actually click the message to see what it said, it was actually here! It took a few seconds for the immediate shock to wear off and my fingers to process functional movement again. There it was, in black and white, my future:

CONGRATULATIONS. Emergency Medicine. Promedica Monroe.

My eyes went straight to those words and I shrieked again. My mom grabbed my computer and then started laughing. My friend looked at me expectantly, and when she saw the joy in my eyes, jumped up and hugged me. My roommate in the next room peeked her head in and smiled. This was it! I had done it!

And then my next thought was “Ohhhhhhhh great, what the fuck do I do now?”

My entire life, all 27 years of it, had culminated in this moment. I had worked so hard for it, sacrificed friendships and relationships, gotten into massive amounts of debt, and it was finally here. It’s like when Olympic hopefuls who have spent countless hours reaching for that gold medal finally attain it or that actor finally wins an Oscar. Now what do you do?

And I think that was the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with. No one talks about this moment, or the many after, in which you sit there, basking in the glow of your achievement, and wonder what the next step is. As an overly ambitious young woman, my life is measured in working to achieve goals and achieving goals. However, previously, my goals were just stepping stones to another goal. First, I had to get into a good college, then it was perform well on the MCAT, etc etc. Each goal just got me another step closer to this goal. Even getting accepted into medical school was just a stepping stone. But this particular goal seemed more like a finish line than any of the previous achievements/goals. And even after a marathon runner finishes a race, even though it took them months to prepare and hours to complete, crosses that finish line and STOPS RUNNING. They put a very futuristic silver blanket on and collapse on the ground. But they stop running.

And I have stopped running.

And I keep wondering, “now what?”

-April 2016